Let’s Play bit Dungeon II (Part1)

This is part 1 of a Let’s Play video for bit Dungeon II.

This particular video is part of a series I am working on called the Burnin’ Dollar Signs challenge, which you can learn more about here: https://youtu.be/Gj8_QptOUoo

This was my first time ever playing bit Dungeon II and I had a lot of fun. It’s a pretty unique game yet it’s full of throwbacks to some older games like the GameBoy era Zelda games, which are a staple of my childhood, and references to Rogue and the other old Rogue-likes from the late 80’s and early 90’s.

It took me a little bit to get the hang of it but I think I’ve got it now! I’ll need to do some research on the game, now that I’ve tried it with naivety, so that I can play it better and get the full experience of the game.

If you have any tips, please let me know in the comments!

Introduction To Burnin’ Dollar Signs Challenge (Let’s Plays)

So I’m doing Let’s Plays with all of the hundreds (not exaggerating) of games I purchased on Steam and haven’t even touched.

I’m calling it the Burnin’ Dollar Signs Challenge because I feel like if I don’t play at least 100 minutes of each game then it was a waste of money and I’m just “burnin’ dollar signs’.

Anyway, this video is an introduction to that.

If there’s a game you hear me rattle off that you particularly want to watch me play, let me know in the comments and I’ll move it higher on the priority list.

Halloween Horror Nights

5 Halloween Horror Nights Houses I Never Want To See

[Content Warning: Isolation, human centipede, fecal matter, vagina dentata, children, diarrhea, food poisoning, mold, food]

1. The Happening

I’m pretty salty about this movie, even years later, because I was really excited for it when it came out. My theory is this: Shyamalan bet his friends he could kill it with a trailer but make a terrible movie. I remember I was working at a restaurant at the time (wow 26 years old and I finally can spell the word “restaurant” first try without spellcheck) and my friends wanted to go see a movie after I got off work. Everyone wanted to see something else but I really wanted to see The Happening. My friends gave in and we all went to see that. As we left, they all threw their popcorn and sodas at me. They still haven’t let me live it down.

So, for the house: you start off going into the house with a group like a normal HHN house. You feel a slight breeze as you move from room to room, but then you start to notice there are less people around you than there were before. In each room, you feel a breeze. In each room, there are less people. Eventually you get to the end and you’re by yourself. Nothing ever happens. It’s not even scary. You walk out at the end and you’re sent right out the front door of the park. What a waste of time and money, just like seeing the movie in theaters.

2. The Human Centipede

I didn’t actually see this movie because I seriously refuse to watch it. It sounds disgusting and to be honest I actually legitimately fear something like this happening to me. I don’t think I’m ever going to be possessed by a demon or end up with a haunted doll. I’m not going to be attacked by zombies. Aliens aren’t going to abduct and probe my colon. What IS going to happen to me is something abstract and straight out of left field, like being turned into a human centipede. Knowing my luck, I’d be the sucker (heh) stuck right in the middle.

The house: You have to walk through the whole house with your mouth sewed to the butthole of some asshole who happened to get in line in front of you. The house its self is just life as usual. There’s a house part, then a school part, a work part, and even an awkward family gathering part, which is now more awkward by the fact that you have to explain why everyone is sewed together end-to-end.

By the way, I’m also terrified of vagina dentata, but what stereotypical straight man isn’t?

3. Food Poisoning

I’ve actually never had food poisoning in real life (*knocks on the wood of a tree from The Happening*), so I don’t know what it’s like, but this is what I imagine it would be like. It’s just not a house I want to experience.

First room is a $5 Vegas buffet. It’s all you can eat, and at this point in the night you’re hungry. You’ve been drinking those zombie blood shots all night and it’s time to get some Halloween Horror Nights food in your stomach before you hit up Bill And Ted’s show. You get there and you see the cook is scratching ass. The closer you get and you notice some of the food has a bit of mold on it. You eat anyway. It was only $5 plus they wouldn’t serve anything that would actually make you sick right? The next room is when it starts. You feel there’s something wrong. You’re in a quiet event, maybe a golf tournament or a piano recital. Your stomach starts making gurglererelrlglre sounds. They get louder. Everyone is looking at you because you’re making so much gross noise and everyone else is trying to enjoy the evening. Then you move into the next room, which is the uncomfortable situation of being in public and knowing you have diarrhea.

The last room will be the room where the hottie at work sits directly next to the bathroom door that you just dropped a massive food-poisoning nuke in the toilet. No one else has been in there and they’re going to know it was you when you walk out. Good luck getting a date with them now. All because you ate that $5 buffet. Luckily, it’s just a haunted house.

4. Children

I’ll just go ahead and say it: children terrify me. So any house involving children is going to scare the crap out of me. Might as well call that house “responsibility Garrett didn’t really want”. But hey, they make stuff to prevent that issue.

Anyway, the house would start off with the pregnancy test. Guess what? It’s positive! You’re gonna be a parent. Next room is the poopy diaper room. Poop all over the walls (sorry, this post has a lot more poop than usual posts. No kink shaming but I think most people hate it so it’s easy to have as crappy (pun) houses). Then there’s the sticky room. Why are their fingers so sticky? How does that happen? They didn’t eat any candy or ice cream but they’re just gross and sticky all the time. Then they touch things and those things get sticky. Don’t touch anything in this room or else you get mystery-stick on you.

The last rooms of the house would involve annoying kids on planes. Three year olds kicking your seat. Babies crying because their ears are popping and they’re just babies they don’t understand. Then you’re trying to eat dinner at a nice restaurant and there’s kids running around in between the tables. Parents aren’t doing anything. The restaurant staff can’t say anything for fear of not getting a tip.

You just can’t win.

5. That One Episode Where All Of The Characters From Friends Murder Each Other

Yeah you know that one episode. That was terrifying. I don’t want to experience a house where I have to witness Joey murder Chandler. I had to witness that once. Never again.

This was co-written by my buddies JT Campbell and Eric Nielsen.

Which Super Smash Bros Character Is The Smelliest?

Super Smash Bros

All that smashing and brawling, you know they all gotta stink like high heaven. Which Super Smash Brothers character do you think is the smelliest?

Vote below and share with your friends:

Which Super Smash Bro's Character Is The Smelliest?

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[Image Source: Cepillo16.Deviantart]

Which Zelda Temple Will Notch Buy As His Next Mansion?

var jayBey = Jay-Z + Beyonce

In 2014, Notch outbid jayBey on a mansion in Beverly Hills, California. It’s only a matter of time before he gets bored with it and moves on to a new house. Trumping jayBey is no easy feat, so I’m sure he’ll be looking for a new challenge, such as living in one of the temples from the Zelda series.

Take the poll below and let me know which temple you think Notch will own next.

Which Zelda Temple Is Likely To Be Bought By Notch As His Next Mansion?

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Happiness Simulator


This story has been published in a free short story digest called Elsewhen Noir.

[Content Warning: Addiction, death]

There would be scrapes on her knees tonight from collapsing onto the concrete sidewalk. I’ll have to clean them up with hydrogen peroxide. She’ll fake like it hurts when the cloth touches her, even though the peroxide isn’t going to hurt any. I recently read in an article somewhere on the internet that it doesn’t even do anything except bubble up and provide a false sense of security. It doesn’t hurt you any but it also isn’t killing germs or preventing infection. Truth is, hydrogen peroxide actually kills the pallets that help your blood clot. It might actually be doing more damage than good. Jill was raised in a house-hold that swore by it. Her mom put it on every scrape, cut, and burn her and her brothers received while climbing trees or skateboarding. Back when skateparks where made of concrete and skateboards had wheels. I’m not even sure if we have any peroxide in the apartment. If so, she’s the one who bought it.

In about twenty minutes, after she stops crying, she’s going to complain that her makeup is running. She’s going to tell me how horrible her green eyes look surrounded by red veins and puffy eye lids. She’s going to almost start crying again as she tries to fix it on the tram, using the front facing camera on her phone to display a high resolution video of her face on the screen. She’ll express her frustration of trying to figure out what is actually her face and what is just an illusion from the cracks in her screen. What’s actually smeared makeup and what is being shown to her because the glass shattered when her fingers no longer had the strength to keep her phone five feet and two inches away from the sidewalk. When I continue to stare at the ground in silence she’s going to throw her phone into her purse, and sigh. Then she’s going to turn to me and tell me that she wishes I would make it more apparent that I’m with her. That I never show my affection and that she can’t tell if I even care about her. She’s going to tell me she never knows what I’m thinking because I never tell her. She’ll be doing exactly what she wants me to be doing. The thing I don’t do.

But those things are in the future and I don’t have to deal with them at this exact moment. What I do have to deal with is why she collapsed and grated her knees on the concrete, why tears are smearing her makeup, why her phone screen is now shattered. Her father had called her a minute ago to tell her they found her younger brother who had been missing for three weeks. He was dropped off in front of a hospital and left there. Most of the shit and piss in his pants was most likely from spending the last few days in a room with a virtual reality headset hooked up to his face. The rest of the shit was from evacuating his bowels when he died. The coroner wrote “DOA” on the report. Dead On Arrival. It didn’t even take an autopsy to know what killed him. He died from dehydration, malnutrition, and lack of sleep.

He’s not the first and won’t be the last to inadvertently kill themselves from virtual reality addiction. Thousands of young adults and even a few teens with inattentive parents have died over the last few months. All from dehydration and malnutrition. All from plugging in a virtual reality headset, hooking up a happiness simulation game, and running it over and over again. They forgot to eat or drink water. At some point they reach a level of addiction where they don’t even get up to use the bathroom.

This is a serious implication for me because I was the video game developer who invented the first happiness simulator.

In 2015, eleven years prior to now, the first successful virtual reality headset came out. Shortly after, the big brand game companies came out with their own VR headsets and by 2016 most American households had at least one. By the end of 2017, most people in any first world country had one. They completely changed the home entertainment industry. You could watch movies, play video games, and even browse the internet with a headset on. It’s like living in your own little virtual world. No one bought TVs, consoles, or even computers anymore. Just VR headsets. At the time, I was 24 and had just graduated with my masters degree in computer science. Since I was a kid, all I wanted to do was program video games. I started making little flash games with terrible stick figure art. I learned a few programming languages in high school and then went to college because everyone in my family said I needed a degree to get a job. It worked out for me, though.

My master’s thesis was for a game that would fight depression. I referred to it as a “Happiness Simulator”. Later on, it would be shortened to just “hapsim” as a slang term. After graduating, I applied for a grant to make it into a full video game. It was 2015 and the first VR headset, called The S!ght, was coming out in a few months. A lot of the code was already done for the prototype that was required for my thesis, so I just needed enough money to cover my bills and to hire an artist. I could handle all the rest of the programming myself. The grant was approved, I found an artist, and we finished it just in time to come out right along side of The S!ght. Since there were very few other games ready, it became an immediate hit. I sold the rights and code of mine to what was, at the time, the top selling game publisher for a very comfortable amount of money. I was able to retire at only twenty five years of age. It didn’t take long for other companies to start making their own games in the hapsim genre.

No one had any idea that they would become the world’s next deadly addiction. People wouldn’t use the phrase “designer drug” the same way again.

Few people had died from a gaming addiction before hapsims, and it always made the news because of the scarcity of the issue. It wasn’t even considered a problem back then. It’s become a massive issue now; so massive that hapsims have been made illegal. Anyone caught with one gets a short one to two year jail and rehab sentence and then an additional few years of probation, to make sure they don’t fall back into the addiction. Anyone caught selling them can be charged with attempted murder. Anyone caught making them can be tried like serial killers or terrorists. At this point, they might as well be. Anyone who’s making a hapsim could potentially kill hundreds of people with one single release.

Very few new ones are being made, considering the consequences of being caught. There are still a few twisted fucks out there making them. Underground devs in basements producing shitty low-poly hapsims that get sold for five grand to drug dealers who make duplicates of them and sell the copies for as much as a hundred bucks a pop. Or, if you’re not willing to shell up the hundred bucks or whatever for a new hapsim you can just go to a “sim-house” where they charge you per hour to use their VR headset, their electricity, and whatever hapsims they have on hand. This is generally more expensive but if you’re already homeless, you get shelter for a little while and a variety of hapsims to cycle through. Sometimes you can download them for free off of the darkweb, but some of those sites are honeypots set up by the FBI, so it’s hard to know who to trust. Not even torrent websites are willing to carry them.

Fast forward ten years and here I am with nothing to say to my girlfriend because her brother died from a video game I may have created. I don’t know what hapsim it was that he was playing when he died. In a few days we’ll find out that his bank account was emptied into untraceable digital currencies that he no doubt used to rent time at a sim-house that we’ll never find. He most likely passed out or died there and was taken by them to the hospital. This is a pretty common thing that drug houses have been doing since before I was even born. You would think we would have cameras set up in front of hospitals so we could grab the plates of these fuckers who just toss the body out onto the grass and take off. I guess the fear of that is that then people will stop dropping them off and we can’t save the few that do make it out alive.

As I stood there watching the blood drip down from Jill’s left knee, tears dripping from between the her fingers covering her face, uncaring people passed by us. Who’s going to stop for some strange woman crying on the sidewalk? It’s too awkward for most people to handle, but that’s fine. Talking to someone right now would be excruciating for me. I kneeled down to pick up her phone. As I slid it into my pocket, a crack in the screen caught on the fabric and tugged lightly in resistance. I helped her up and put my right arm around her waist, and left hand on her shoulder in support. We began walking to the tram station we were headed towards before she got the call that would likely be the beginning of the end of our relationship.

Written in 2015

[img source: “CAVE Crayoland” by User:Davepape – own work (self-photograph using timer). Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons.]

The Loveliest Of Relics

It was cold that night, and she asked me to dance.
She asked me.
I obliged and we agreed we would dance until dawn,
But we both knew the sun wasn’t coming up for us.
Neither of us claimed to see it,
When our eyes met,
I felt my heart descend.
I knew the sky had begun to fall.
Sometimes we can’t ignore a temptation.
We must be led.
If a phoenix can be reborn out of fire, can my love?
The scent of burning was on the wind
As ash clung to our clothing and slowly faded
Like memories we never had to begin with.
It’s easy to mistake the sound of exploding bombs
With the beat of a long forgotten song.
So we continued dancing.
As the moon disappeared behind rising clouds
We sat on the swings of an old playground.
My name was carved into the fence.
It had been long since the plants flourished here.
When I looked into her eyes I saw them burning
And the nearby houses crumbled
With every bat of her eyelashes.
The sidewalks cracked like our crooked smiles,
Grinning as everyone fled in panic.
They were looking for safety, not understanding
They were just misplaced.
Together, on that swing set,
We watched the city lights fade for the last time.
Only tonight they weren’t fading into dawn.

Written in 2010.

Google Brings Back Pogs

Google Pogs

halo_lin posted this on Flickr. There are Google icons, Google+, YouTube, Chrome, Android, Maps and Ads. Could it be that Google is bringing back a piece of 90’s history?

Google is known to do some crazy things.

As we can see here, we have 6 pogs and a playing board. I was a kid in the 90’s and an avid pog collector, and we usually didn’t play on specific boards, but now that I’ve seen one, I think it’s a genius idea.

We’ll see how this rolls out.

I’ll be preordering mine as soon as I can.

Now to find my trusty slammer that I tucked away in case this day ever came…

The Zombie Apocalypse Has Officially Started

Zombies In FL

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[Content Warning: Addiction, death, drugs, zombies]

Here is a collection of recent news articles dealing with strange occurances in South Florida.

I’m not saying all of these are zombie related. Some of them are odd and some of them could be related. Anything loosely related is added here for your analysis and educated guess.

If you have ANY articles YOU would like to be added to this list, please send them over to zombies@garrettmickley.com! Thanks!

UPDATED 2/05/14 @ 18:00 PM EST

5/3, but not reported until 5/16: Mad-cow Testing Equipment Nabbed by Thieves

5/3, but not reported until 5/17: Stolen medical equipment may carry deadly brain disease

5/4: Atlanta man bitten by rabid bat

5/4: A man’s illness could have been transmitted by BSE

5/7, about the same cow as seen on 5/18 and without referencing the above: Atypical BSE Has Never Led To Human vCJD – But Could It?

5/9: Fox attacked Morganton, Ga., woman, tested positive for rabies

5/11: Suspected human rabies exposures surge in Palm Beach, FL

5/14: North Georgia officials warn residents of rabies increase

5/15: Florida Raccoon Tested Positive for Rabies

5/15: Hazmat teams blow up mysterious smoking drum in Hollywood, FL

5/16: McArthur High School HazMat Situation
Students, Teachers Decontaminated After Breaking Out In Rash

5/16: Clinical Data Published for a Phase I AADC-deficiency Trial Using a Gene Therapy Manufactured by Florida Biologix

5/16: Children with rare, incurable brain disease improve after gene therapy

5/16: Gene Therapy for Brain Disease: Delivering a missing enzyme to the brains of paralyzed children with a rare, life-threatening neurological disease restores movement and builds muscle mass.

5/17: Polk Co., FL confirms 6th positive rabies case after 2 dogs found with dead raccoon

5/17: Rabies alert issued in Suwannee County, FL

5/17, after Taiwanese man (referenced in 5/4) contracts human mad cow disease: Florida Biologix helps Taiwan University Hospital achieve manufacturing objectives

5/18, in Washington: Review so far shows mad cow case was atypical

5/19: No confirmation on chemical at Fort Lauderdale International Airport

5/21: Police: Man bites woman in Westchester


5/21: 24 people treated after Dalton, GA chemical release

5/21: Third case of flesh-eating disease diagnosed in Ga.

5/23: I-285 reopens after hazmat incident

5/23: Man Bites Cousin’s Nose Off

5/24: Second Broward school reports mystery rash


5/25: ‘Disoriented’ passenger subdued on flight in Miami


5/25: Lake in Palm Bay permanently closed to swimmers

5/26: Naked Man Allegedly Eating Victim’s Face Shot And Killed By Miami Police 

5/27: Georgia contractor bites Lowe’s employees, resists arrest

5/27: North Broward boil-water notice in effect through Monday

5/27: Polk County homeowner shoots and kills intruder

5/28: Group urges halt of U.S. beef imports due to ‘L-type’ human mad cow disease

5/28: @IlliniAlert “Hazardous materials released at Institute for Genomic Biology. Escape area if safe to do so. Otherwise seek shelter.”


5/29: Police: Hackensack man stabbed himself and threw intestines at officers


5/30: Man Chokes, Bites Lips Off Kittens

5/30: Man Eats Wife’s Lips In Sweden (in Swedish, needs translated)


5/31: Miami Face-Eater’s Girlfriend Suspects Voodoo

5/31: Alexander Kinyua Ate Kujoe Agyei-Kodie’s Brain, Heart In Maryland, Cops Say

5/31: Woman caught performing sex act on herself by side of highway is arrested wearing only a shirt and exposing herself to passing motorists (she also bites a police officer)


02/05: Naked man attacks 1, chases 2, bites teen in face before he was shot, killed by deputies near Delray (Florida)