[Content Warning: Isolation, human centipede, fecal matter, vagina dentata, children, diarrhea, food poisoning, mold, food]
1. The Happening
I’m pretty salty about this movie, even years later, because I was really excited for it when it came out. My theory is this: Shyamalan bet his friends he could kill it with a trailer but make a terrible movie. I remember I was working at a restaurant at the time (wow 26 years old and I finally can spell the word “restaurant” first try without spellcheck) and my friends wanted to go see a movie after I got off work. Everyone wanted to see something else but I really wanted to see The Happening. My friends gave in and we all went to see that. As we left, they all threw their popcorn and sodas at me. They still haven’t let me live it down.
So, for the house: you start off going into the house with a group like a normal HHN house. You feel a slight breeze as you move from room to room, but then you start to notice there are less people around you than there were before. In each room, you feel a breeze. In each room, there are less people. Eventually you get to the end and you’re by yourself. Nothing ever happens. It’s not even scary. You walk out at the end and you’re sent right out the front door of the park. What a waste of time and money, just like seeing the movie in theaters.
2. The Human Centipede
I didn’t actually see this movie because I seriously refuse to watch it. It sounds disgusting and to be honest I actually legitimately fear something like this happening to me. I don’t think I’m ever going to be possessed by a demon or end up with a haunted doll. I’m not going to be attacked by zombies. Aliens aren’t going to abduct and probe my colon. What IS going to happen to me is something abstract and straight out of left field, like being turned into a human centipede. Knowing my luck, I’d be the sucker (heh) stuck right in the middle.
The house: You have to walk through the whole house with your mouth sewed to the butthole of some asshole who happened to get in line in front of you. The house its self is just life as usual. There’s a house part, then a school part, a work part, and even an awkward family gathering part, which is now more awkward by the fact that you have to explain why everyone is sewed together end-to-end.
By the way, I’m also terrified of vagina dentata, but what stereotypical straight man isn’t?
3. Food Poisoning
I’ve actually never had food poisoning in real life (*knocks on the wood of a tree from The Happening*), so I don’t know what it’s like, but this is what I imagine it would be like. It’s just not a house I want to experience.
First room is a $5 Vegas buffet. It’s all you can eat, and at this point in the night you’re hungry. You’ve been drinking those zombie blood shots all night and it’s time to get some Halloween Horror Nights food in your stomach before you hit up Bill And Ted’s show. You get there and you see the cook is scratching ass. The closer you get and you notice some of the food has a bit of mold on it. You eat anyway. It was only $5 plus they wouldn’t serve anything that would actually make you sick right? The next room is when it starts. You feel there’s something wrong. You’re in a quiet event, maybe a golf tournament or a piano recital. Your stomach starts making gurglererelrlglre sounds. They get louder. Everyone is looking at you because you’re making so much gross noise and everyone else is trying to enjoy the evening. Then you move into the next room, which is the uncomfortable situation of being in public and knowing you have diarrhea.
The last room will be the room where the hottie at work sits directly next to the bathroom door that you just dropped a massive food-poisoning nuke in the toilet. No one else has been in there and they’re going to know it was you when you walk out. Good luck getting a date with them now. All because you ate that $5 buffet. Luckily, it’s just a haunted house.
I’ll just go ahead and say it: children terrify me. So any house involving children is going to scare the crap out of me. Might as well call that house “responsibility Garrett didn’t really want”. But hey, they make stuff to prevent that issue.
Anyway, the house would start off with the pregnancy test. Guess what? It’s positive! You’re gonna be a parent. Next room is the poopy diaper room. Poop all over the walls (sorry, this post has a lot more poop than usual posts. No kink shaming but I think most people hate it so it’s easy to have as crappy (pun) houses). Then there’s the sticky room. Why are their fingers so sticky? How does that happen? They didn’t eat any candy or ice cream but they’re just gross and sticky all the time. Then they touch things and those things get sticky. Don’t touch anything in this room or else you get mystery-stick on you.
The last rooms of the house would involve annoying kids on planes. Three year olds kicking your seat. Babies crying because their ears are popping and they’re just babies they don’t understand. Then you’re trying to eat dinner at a nice restaurant and there’s kids running around in between the tables. Parents aren’t doing anything. The restaurant staff can’t say anything for fear of not getting a tip.
You just can’t win.
5. That One Episode Where All Of The Characters From Friends Murder Each Other
Yeah you know that one episode. That was terrifying. I don’t want to experience a house where I have to witness Joey murder Chandler. I had to witness that once. Never again.
This was co-written by my buddies JT Campbell and Eric Nielsen.