AUTHOR’S NOTE: I wrote this in 2006 for a college course.
[Content Warning: Satire, stereotypes, sexism, violence, alcohol, cancer]
There is a point in time in every boy’s life where he becomes a man. This could be at the age of thirteen, or at the age of thirty. Either way, this boy must choose how manly they want to be. Obviously this is broken down to two choices: pirates and Lumberjacks. Always capitalize the word Lumberjacks, because Lumberjacks are so manly, they become proper nouns. Lumberjacks are a better definition for the modern man than pirates.
What is the definition of manliness? Man must show bravery in the face of irrational danger. If they have to be brave and fight, that’s okay. In fact, it’s even better. Violence is very manly. Man must be intelligent in the face of overpowering stupidity. Women think men are ignorant, but it is just denial. Women have to deny how much they love men, and hide their emotions, because women are weird like that. Man must have the ability to control, tame, and handle the female gender. They need to wise up and face the fact that they love men. I do not include the homosexual females in this, although I have nothing against them. Man must have an appetite for foods considered chemically hazardous. This is okay, because man has been given a gift from God. Not only can man urinate while standing, but we also have stomachs lined with reinforced steel. Last, but not least, man must have a disgustingly inadequate ability to groom him self. This includes the homosexual male, whom I also have nothing against.
It is clear that pirates are manly, although the feminine side of manly. They are most definitely brave as heck, too. They steal ships for a living, and they steal them by force. That is the coolest profession you could possibly have. They also get to fight with swords. Fighting with swords is the second manliest way to fight, the first being with fists. Violence is very manly; just ask Steven Segal, Chuck Norris, or Bruce Lee. What makes them less manly is that they also use guns, and guns are for cowards. Real men fight melee. Pirates are so intelligent; they know words that most of us lesser citizens do not use. What is better? They use these words every day. They use words like “commandeer,” “parlay,” and “ahoy”. I am not sure “parlay” and “ahoy” are even real words, and if they are not, that is even manlier. Pirates personify everything a woman cannot have in a man who is not a criminal. Pirates love rum, which is one of the most chemically hazardous liquids to ingest in large amounts, and you know they do not just drink a little. Pirates also wear obnoxious clothing. Their hats are disgustingly obtuse. They also wear puffy shirts. Just like in that episode of Seinfeld. Everyone knows those are inadequate grooming.
Lumberjacks are men’s men. Any Lumberjack will tell you he is a man’s man. Lumberjacks cut down trees for a living. They have a burning hatred for trees and keep those horrible green entities from invading and possibly overthrowing our society. Lumberjacks have the brain power of a telekinetic super-being. Instantly, they use algebra and geometry to not assume, not predict, but decide the fall trajectory of the trees they slay. They also automatically know which trees need to be cut down and why. Lumberjacks are loved by women because they are the strongest men in the world with the most robust muscles. They can perform hard physical labor for up to forty eight hours without taking a breath or drinking Gatorade. Women love men who work. Lumberjacks eat flapjacks every day, probably because just like their title, it ends in “jacks.” What is that? Flapjacks are not chemically hazardous? Yes, yes they are! Flapjacks are made with artificial flapjack powder, which is actually a cancer causing agent. Real men are not afraid of cancer. Lumberjacks also wear flannel and suspenders. Sometimes they even wear bright orange. They clearly have no ability to groom themselves.
Although pirates and Lumberjacks are both manly, there is a fine line between which is manlier. Pirates represent the feminine side of men; something all men will not admit, but know is true. None the less, pirates are still men, and they will always be considered the next manliest thing, compared to Lumberjacks. It is very clear, and everyone knows the truth. Lumberjacks are a better definition for the modern man than pirates. Remember, Lumberjack is always capitalized.
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